There is nothing, NOTHING, in a text message that should hold that much weight as to affect my self esteem.
That being said, both my Brothers are pissing me off for ignoring my two questions.
With one I’m waiting on comments about the social media and website I created for his new band. And with the other I’m waiting on getting synched up with the plan for our nephew, D-Man, visit in two weeks, whom I am collecting on my way back from my road trip.
In both cases, it’s been crickets. Yesterday this was especially burning under my cool, calm and collected self. I loath when my Brothers get under my skin like that.
So I’m going to work through this here, and get over this feeling.
First of all. I’m aware of all things coming into my phone. I don’t have to dig, my front screen lets me know when something new has come through: If it’s new, I know it.
Unless it’s work or my parents, an email can wait for a response. But a text is someone tapping you on the shoulder. And when someone doesn’t turn around when you tap? This speaks volumes about where you are on someone’s priority. And I make a point to try and quickly respond back to my Brothers.
Minus my Core 5 of Han, Rinna, Angie, Kathy and Elsa*, if I send something to someone and get no air? So what. Maybe it’s me getting a late night text. Whatever. If it goes out into the universe and never comes back. I don’t mind.
*As in all my blog posts, all names have been changed.
But when my Brothers dismiss my communications? It feels like when we were growing up, fighting to be acknowledged.
When people find out that I was the only girl in a world of 4 brothers. The first thing they ALWAYS suggest is that I must have been raised like a princess. This is so far from the truth it is laughable. The one privilege I had being the only girl was I always had my own room. Beyond that? Being a girl was a pain in the ass, and my Brothers let me know.
I will caveat that we were close growing up. We did plenty of things together: Movies, holidays, dinners, books, crosswords, cards, tennis …
Once puberty hit, everything about being a girl was either unspoken of or covered up. It was mine to experience. Not mine to share. It was fun to be admired by the outside boy population, but at some point being a girl ruined everything within my sibling dynamic. It became 4 of them and 1 of me.
I was told I didn’t understand things because I was a girl. Doors closed. I always thought I was still me. They firmly told me I was wrong.
I think a part of me to this day is trying to get back into the group. So when my Brothers leave me off to the side, I am transported back to that time of me feeling ‘less than’.
I’m laughing at myself now. Have two unanswered text messages to Paul and Drew really hurled me back to being a teenage girl in a family of 7 living in a two bathroom house in the foothills of a Greek town?
This is ridiculous. Let me put this into a sane perspective.
First of all … Paul’s thoughts about our nephew’s visit can be answered anywhere from today to July 6th. That gives him 15 days to tell me where he wants D-Man to be dropped off.
Secondly, Drew’s reaction and/or changes to the new website can wait until after I get back. I’m not going to mess anymore with it without guidance, and only he and I know the website address. That gives Drew well over 2 weeks. Hell, he could take the rest of the year for all I care.
So why the stress and tension?
I wrote it earlier, no text message coming from a phone should hold so much weight as to affect a mood or self esteem or memories.
With that reminder, I’ve just released the pressure that was holding me down and distracting me all day yesterday with imagined thoughts about my Brothers’ agendas about me being their Sister.
And this is why I write.