I go through waves of feeling fragile … where I experience a forward-progress hindering vulnerability that I describe as an audible force screaming in my head.
Remember Frau Farbissina from the Austin Powers movie? The one who shouts SCOTT and scares the crap out of Doctor Evil? Yeah, think abrasively loud, only replace SCOTT with the word LIFE.
It’s a confrontation, of sorts.
Lasting maybe 2.4 seconds.
This panic causes me to feel every inch of my body. It frightens me. It makes me feel isolated. It shatters me.
Then it vanishes over the horizon of whatever it is I am doing … waiting for that last trickle of water to drop into my coffee cup, hands resting on the keyboard as I pause to answer an email, looking at the sky, waking up.
And I am whole again.
If this isn’t a new development, then I don’t remember it ten years ago.
Upon reflection I had less time then. Or so it seems. I was working all the time. Travelling. Going out every night. Thinking about my next move.
Today, even though I work, travel and still enjoy going out, it seems there is more time around me, leaving me with more air pockets to fill. Sigh, leave it to me to find something insecure to fill in the gaps.
Thankfully the moment is fleeting and I can get on with the day. Unfortunately it is gone but not forgotten.
I said it before, I’ll say it again: Ugh.
Rarely if ever do I think this … But I do so hope that, on this topic in particular, I am part of the herd.