Well, I finally bought a new car.
Last time I bought a car was in 2008. Last time I had a car payment was 2014.
How crazy are those numbers?
It went down like this:
I woke up.
I looked outside at my dirty unusable Audi (which used to be so lovely).
I checked out a few websites and spotted a suitable replacement.
I listened to a motivational speech about how, in life, you need to first secure your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.
I drove my rental to the dealership.
I walked the lot.
I found the car from the website.
I let the sales guy approach me.
Where I spontaneously said: Unless the man you were just talking to bought it, I’d like to buy that Jeep.
Two hours later I drove off with my fifth car ever, and my second Jeep Wrangler Sport.
The entire experience was very pleasant and extremely casual.
The only compromise I had to make was the transmission. It’s not a manual. And I really like driving and shifting.
I hope I don’t forget how.
The one thing about yesterday that has me thrown off is that I didn’t, and currently do not, feel any “new car” excitement. I don’t even have a hint of “first day of school” nerves.
I mean, that’s weird right?
I got it. I parked it outside the house. And that was that. At some point last night I stood looking at my shiny purchase and realised I felt as much for it as I do the sidewalk.
And now I’m concerned.
By nature, I am not materialistic.
So I’m not concerned that I don’t have feelings for things.
Rather, what has me alerted is that I am not feeling connected to something that is mine, to the reward for voluntarily doing something that will, unless it’s a lemon, ease the burden of my day to day mobility requirements.
When my Mum’s passed in June, I was uneasy and unclear. And I felt an orphan amongst my own brothers. So I went away for 30 days to a place where I was sublime and secure, and also cared about and for.
I often noted how refreshed I felt.
Then, within 24 hours of being back here, my brother helped me replace that positive vibe with feelings of not belonging.
I’m on Day 9 of lingering in a state of emotional un-wellbeing-ness.
So much so that not even something as fun as buying a new car is raising either my spirit or blood pressure.
And it not only does that suck, but it’s also so stupid.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling a high from doing something special for yourself.
Talk about “standing in your own way.”
I’ve my fingers crossed that my steely self is simply a delayed reaction, of which I am prone to have.
A great example of this is me and movies. It can be a day or two before I register how much I liked a movie. And when I really enjoyed a film? I feel so with such a passion. But it can seriously be a few days before I get to experience just how much.
So I’m hoping this is a similar case.
Otherwise, I need to take a hard look at how to recover the tender loving care that is needed to reintroduce my Heart to my Life.